itinerary :
Drinking - clubbing - Caribbean beaches - Tikal - Mayan stuff - peasant villages - tequila - Dicky failing to learn Spanish because he "can't be arsed" - salsa - cloud forests - climbing volcanoes.

more specifically :
Cancun.
17-dec until 20-dec Belize - Caye Caulker.
24 Dec - 1-Jan Ísla Mujeres.
About the 12th Jan - Guatemala.

PLACES VISITED

Mexico City - surprisingly clean, safe and cold. Zona Rosa is where the main action occurs. Plaza Central is worth a visit for the cathedral and parliament building, plus the giant flag !
Cancun - LOUD, pants !
Playa del Carmen - nice holiday destination.
Tulum - very basic beach cabanas (not designed for rain) on "air-conditioned" white sands! IT RAINED! Beautiful setting spoilt by scumbag travellers there at the time.
Valladolid - Flooding.
Chetumal - Border Town.
Isla Mujeres - 'Island of Women' - more like Island of sturdy girls'. Laid-back Caribbean Island with party atmosphere.
Oaxaca - great colonial city with friendly atmosphere.
Zipolite - nudity, sun, beards, bongos, stars and Cake, BROWN cake !
Acapulco - LOUD, pants !
San Cristobal - another pretty colonial city.

SIGHTS

Anthropology Museum, Mexico City - well worth a visit, very informative, esp. Mayan artefacts. Skip the pants pottery and hats (obviously Hammer you'd love this). Get there in time for the flag pole acrobatic display.
Teotihucan (an hour outside M.City) - stunning view from either of the 2 large pyramids ("Sun & Moon"), steeper than a very steep thing, m'lord.
Spectacular setting and sheer size and symmetry of the ruins give blend to a breathtaking site.
Tulum Ruins, Yucatan - unique walled city with beautiful cliff top views over the shimmering Caribbean Coastline. Very touristy, full of loud yank day trippers.
Chichen Itza, Yucatan (or Chicken Pieces, "that's how I remember it, you've got to have a system") - although we were all impressed with the main pyramid, 1000s pillars, skull reliefs and the giant Polo, we were possibly "ruined-out" at this time.

Le Quebrada, Acapulco - Cliff diving is great pikey entertainment. "Pina Coladas for the L-hady" (severe lack of memorial to ELVIS' memorable scene from his move 'Fun in Acapulco').
EL Hierve, Oaxaca - Spectacular scenery straight out of a western film.
Mountains, flat plains, giant cacti framing an immense frozen limestone waterfall. Big thank you to our guide "Little Johnny" (a puppy).
Santa Maria de Tule, Oaxaca - "You can see 100's of ruins, waterfalls, landscapes, sunsets... but there is only one biggest tree in the world!"
Aqua Azul, Chiapas - Pretty waterfall setting (not azul colour though).
Misol-Ha , Chiapas - Location of 'Arnie's' PREDATOR movie and pants 90's US Tarzan series. A very impressive forceful waterfall set in the dense jungle (watch out for the Zapatistas terrorists and Charlie the Cockroach).
Palenque, Chiapas - Most spectacular site so far. Crumbling ancient ruins looming out of dense vegetation. Apart from the main restored structures the site spills out 10Km along winding jungle pathways. You need all day to see it all. Ambience somewhat spoilt by Mexican juvenile delinquents (obviously drinking alcopops) blaring out Techno music.

CULTURE/PEOPLE

Mexicans (General) - Indifferent, fairly friendly. Very ickle !
Chamulans - Still very traditional where Religion dominates life. Doctors & Teachers are rejected. Women treated poorly. Very moving church and religious practices. 11 year olds drunk on 'POSH' , when mixed with Coke creates lethal alcopops. They drink Posh to cleanse the mind and Coke to cleanse the soul (i.e. burping). Scandalous marketing ploy by the Coca-Cola Company. Corn is source of main income to the village.
Zincantans - Still traditional but more progressive. Women treated more equally and Education is encouraged and financially supported. Flowers are source of main income. Photos still prohibited - Lisa chased by man with gun (on closer inspection is a kid, in army costume, fake beard and wooden
rifle). Brass Band, Fireworks, Costume Dancing to celebrate the induction of a new religious leader of the village. Big Shout going out to the Mexican Bez - "you're twisting my melons man!"

NATURE/SCENERY

Breathtaking landscapes, Caribbean & pacific beaches, deserts, plains, mountains, jungle you name it they've got it ! Impressive bus ride down the mountains from Oaxaca to Pacific Coast.
Humming birds, pelicans, sheep, stray dogs, butterflies, giant Iguana and Mosquito (scum).

TRAVEL/ACCOMMODATION

Easy. 1st Class Buses - expensive but comfortable. Pants films !
2nd Class Buses - cheap and comfortable.
Basic & Clean. Average $10 per person per night. Free mineral water in most places and hot water (allegedly).

Recommended - Hotel Berny, Isla Mujeres (watch out for the towel nazis).
Brisa Marina, Zipolite - Make sure you get the downstairs part of the twinned cabana (James did!).
Maria de le Luz, Valladolid - will look after your luggage provided "no bombs". Will treat your return like that of a prodigal son.
Magic Hostel, Oaxaca - ranks up there with the top hostels in the world. Excellent atmosphere, cheap, well run and plenty of amenities and information.

FOOD/DRINK

Worse Meal - mingy pizza in Palenque La Canada (made with tinned fruit vegetables and snotty cheese) and Xmas dinner at Tonyno's Isla Mujeres. Also Christmas Dinner at Tonyno's Isla Mujeres.
BEST meal -  Bernard's New Year's Eve Extravaganza, El Messie Isla Mujeres (Jon), Lobster at Lorrettas Isla Mujeres (Lisa), Hotel delivered Tuna Pizza (James !) from Tonyno's Isla Mujeres (Dicky).
Local Delicacies - Deep fried chilli grasshoppers, mescal worm, standard tex/mex fare and "Sin frijols".
Fast Food count - KFC, 1    MacDonalds, 4

Best beer - Dos Equis.
Worse Beer - Modelo Oscura.
Best Cocktail - Pina Coladas at Hotel Plaza las Glorias,  La Quebrada.
Best Bottled Water - Crystal.
Worse Drink - Posh "nothing posh about it" (toxic liquor).
Local Drink - Tequila, Mescal & Posh.

NIGHTLIFE/MUSIC

Mexico City - 'Yuppies Sports Bar' usual American bar and dancing on the bar.
Cancun - Loud pants ! 'Señor Frogs' the epitome of Cancun. Opening song "start spreading your legs....." to Sinatra's New York New York.
'Dady Rock' great cover band and shot girls !
Playa del Carmen - Excellent happy hour at the beach Parrot Bar. 3 for 1 Pina Coladas while siting on swings.
Tulum - Blackout occurs when cocktail mixer is switched on (obviously a frequent occurrence with Margo about). Disco always had at least 2 people!
Isla Mujeres - Tonyno's & Daniels 'til late then onto Kokonuts nightclub. 2 for 1 everywhere, same live sets each night. Once a week special bus arrives in town and turns Kokonuts into Freaktown.

Christmas Eve - we were very, very, very drunk !
New Year's Eve - great meal, great company, fireworks in the square, 3 different millenium countdowns, dancing, Aliens on Golf buggies for the sun rise and we were very, very, very drunk !

Oaxaca - free flaming mescals and 'Talking Heads" at Otra Cosa. Free shots dispensed by Mexican on surf board at Tequila's night club.
Zipolite - Live music sitting around beach fires. 1st nightclub with Table Tennis table and Dog on dancefloor. More space cadets dancing.

Jon's B'day - "Donde Esta El Salon de Baile?"  We were very, very, very, caned !

Most Heard Song : Mambo No.5 Lou Bega.
Most annoying song : Dicky '2 Times' by Anna something; Lisa 'Believe' by Cher; Jon 'I've got a girl in every port' by Lou Bega.
Favourite song of Mexico : Dicky 'Smooth' by Santana feat; Rob Thomas Lisa "Tu Sonrisa" (Lalala  LEEEESA) by Menclas; Jon 'Smooth'.
Best Lyric ; "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water let the mutha f*%ker burn. Burn Mutha F*&ker, burn burn .... follow my leader, leader, leader...."

STATS

The actor playing Tarzan filmed at Misol-Ha was such a girlie that he had to have a pair of 'flesh-toned secret socks' made so he could stand on the jungle rocks.
Orion is not the plough (Jason!).
Chocolate originated in Mexico !
The last 3 times that deposed ex-president 'Salinas' returned to Mexico, there has been an earthquake on the day he landed.
The biggest tree in the world is over 2000 years old, 42m tall, trunk perimeter 52.6m, weighs 635 tonnes and has a weekly water intake of 30,000 litres !

ODDITY

Giant nativity scenes are everywhere in Mexico. (containing Mary, Joseph, Jesus, Dave Hill & his brothers, Shepherds, Farm Yard Animals, Santas, Mutant chickens, Elephants, Baseball players and Hank Hill's Dad).
Orion is not a Packman ghost wearing a hat smoking a fag !
Popularity of Fusbol (bar football) is staggering !

BIG SHOUT GOING OUT TO

Bordeaux Bernard, Annette, Jorg, Robert & Angliq, Micah, Eric, Luigi, Ricardo & Raul, Lisa, Marianne , Boxing day English Gang, James, Lisa's Mum (for Xmas hamper), Broxbourne Bernard, Immature Jon, Mad Jon, 2 Janes, 'Bob' (Chloe), Benjamin/Klaus and Danes !

BEST PLACE/WORSE PLACE

Lisa BP Oaxaca ; WP Cancun.
Jon BP Zipolie; WP Cancun.
Dicky BP Oaxaca; WP Cancun.

OVERALL RATING (out of 10)

Lisa 6
Jon 6.5
Dicky 6.5

BELIZE (brief 4 day visit)

PLACES VISITED - Belize City, Caye Caulker, San Pedro Ambergois Caye.
SIGHTS - Hol Chan Marine Reserve.
CULTURE/PEOPLE - Belize City: SCUM. Caye Caulker: Rastas.
NATURE/SCENERY - Flying fish,Hammerhead sharks, Rays and boring coral.
FOOD DRINK

Worse meal none.
Best Meal Anything from the SandBox, Caye Caulker esp. Lobster Fritters. AND Lobster B-B-Q.
Local Delicacies Lobster, Fried jacks (deep fried pastry).

Drink Only Belikin Beer !

TRAVEL/ACCOMMODATION

Free 'chessey puffs' & crap movies on Batt Bros Bus.
Accommodation v.basic. Average cost $5 per night.

FACTS

Belize City Sucks (BDC).
James is not called Melvin.
Only 8 motorised vehicles on Caye Caulker.

ODDITY

$200 disappears from Fat Yank's bar. Next day Barmaid mysteriously goes into town on big shopping spree!

BIG SHOUT GOING OUT TO - The Austrians and James (Melvin).
BEST PLACE - Caye Caulker.
WORSE PLACE - Belize City.
OVERALL RATING (out of 10) - Caye Caulker 8; Belize City (Beirut) -8 !

REPORT #2 ENDS.

[Ed - anyone sense that Belize City was not popular?]

Margo in "Geezer-bird" shocker...loss of rucksack forces use of Dicky & Jon´s clothing.
Non-Shocker...Stone spasm through lack of food.
Bean in ´no food´shocker...rejects meals and declares - "I´m drinking!!!!".
Sex scandal...Dicky declares "I love my boots". Kisses them in crowded bus station.
Shocked locals run for cover...Margo [Ed - aka Lisa] turns into Tigger in night-club. Bouncy bouncy bouncy. Fun fun.
Girly girly Mr Demus...Bean in glove-sock shocker.
Disaster!! "Bear" flattened. It´s all getting too much for him.
Dicky in turning- German shocker...declares interest in wearing socks with sandals. Combination with mullet haircut proves lethal.
John reincarnation revelation...explains fear of dogs as due to being a cat in a previous life.
Sexual triangle develops...gay Mexican merengues with Lisa to get to Dicky.
Wot - no Eagles??...lack of key song causing concern [Ed - re Scores section].
Dicky´s enthusiasm for Bruce forsyth stuns fellow travellers. As faces fall he declares - "I´ll get my fleece.
Bean in stumble non-shocker...declares "I haven´t fallen over on holiday yet". Promptly lands face down on pavement.
Liverpool obsession total non-shocker... Fowler-Collymore partnership discussion bemuses anyone in range. Situation salvaged as knowledge of Liverpool defenders helps sniffing prospects with eligible Norwegian girls.

REPORT #1 ENDS.

First Travel Picture

Señor Frog's, Cancun, Mexico
Dicky quote on the photo - "Pikey"